I used to be happy, a long ass time ago...now what happened to that childish attitude that was so happy?
Brothers, family, and a whole ton of shit.
There was a little girl, born into this world. Years in her life were happy, playing with her dogs and bird, also her father and mother. Her brother and his friends were nice too, teaching her sports and whatnot. Her father always helped her study for tests, quizzing her constantly, and she was happy enough.
Her best friend was her dog, whom her parents got when she was born. Her other best friend was her bird, which she got on a cold christmas night.
In second grade, she had two other best friends other than her pets. One was her age, he was very funny and kept her happy at school, having her interests and knowledge. He was her best friend. Everyone asked if he was her boyfriend, and she knew she must have had small feelings for him as something more than a friend. She denied, all the time, when someone asked.
Her second best friend was a girl that was about 2 years older than her, whom she met in her neighborhood. They began their friendship on dark morning at the bus stop, in which the eldest girl had greeted first. The little girl would have greeted first, but not knowing the neighbors, she remained silent until the eldest's voice called,"Uh, hi...What's your name?"
The little girl was happy, talking about Pokemon with the older girl, having fantasy pokemon battles, and finding out eachother's locations on the dead-ended street they lived on. The older girl always came over to the other's house for sleepovers and hangouts. The little one had the bestest friends she could ever have.
Alas, it didn't remain that easy for long. The older girl had moved off, about 20 minutes away, where it was sort of harder to have sleepovers. The little girl didn't have much issue, just a little sad it sn't easy as it was.
A while later, the little girl's parents got divorced, still for unclear reasons other than the father being drunk most of the time. The girl still tried to make life the way it was, answering his calls every night, doing the studying with him still, being quizzed. But it was hard enough, seeing her father wasn't there to hug her or pick her up from the bus stop. She tried to live life normally as always, but thats when it all started growing downhill.
She was now mostly haunted by the thoughts of her father. She had a loaded gun pointed at her by her father, and saw the crazed look in his eye when he said he'd blow his brains out with his rifle. Countless nights spent over her relatives' houses from her father. They haunted her. They still haunt her to this day.
Her brother and his friends started teasing her because she started growing overweight. Her parents both smoked cigarettes, and her mother blew smoke in her face usually. She had lung issues with painful breathing, but she never gave too much care. Her brother always taunted her to the point where she cried, calling her a "fatass bitch" and other names.
She grew more anti-social at school. She had friends still left, but they were all boys. Everyone judged her on her appearence, constantly calling her a "fat chick" and "ugly". Everyone judged her for hanging out with boys, being a teacher's pet, and that she kept silent to herself. She always thought everyone but her friends hated her.
5th grade was when a girl reached out to her. The girl was shocked, seeing the same gender accepted her. The girl that reached out even had a gang; but the little girl was excluded from it, still dropping into her anti-social self. She was selfless, and many sensed it, using her for answers and chapter summaries of what the class just read. She just kept to herself, drawing her characters and reading heavy novels.
Her teacher in 5th grade always saw her at recess, either reading a book or walking around. There was always something that was usual. She was alone. He walked to her while she looked at the sky, her head on crossed arms at the recess tables. He asked her if anything was wrong, and the first few times, she said she was fine.
The 5th time he asked, she cracked open, saying she didn't fit in, and never did. Her parents were divorced, and her brother contantly bullied her.
That teacher, was one of the best teachers she ever had. He called the group of girls over and asked them to hang out with the girl for the next weeks.
Of course, they didn't.
But they did pester her on how she always was alone, and how she hung out with her friends that were boys all the time. They constantly asked "Is ____ your boyfriend" or "Do you like ___???"
She always refused, but when she heard one of them were upset, she tried to help. They shut her out all the time. Never listened.
Two "friends" of hers at school were constantly bickering and fighting. She always told the truth, being called a "snitch" all the time. She always cried that following night, thinking why they hated her, and how she was doing the right thing.
Her teacher suggested that she sould join the Social Studies Club he and his wife held at the school, which her mom made her. He thought it'd help her get some more friends. Oh, she was ALWAYS treated as the oddball there. But, she found her two teachers as her best friends. She reccommended books for their collections, and games too.
Of course, she had to move onto 6th grade, but at her Elementary's 5th grade graduation, they gave her a few gifts that she'd cherish for the longest time, holding one once in a while, crying into them, hoping it would be that simple again. They gave her charcoal pencils, a sketchbook, and a set of books of a series she loved.
She gave both of her teachers the biggest hug that day, before she went away, not being there anymore. She cried that night, knowing Middle School would be a pain in the ass. At that time, she had met one of her worst enemies and some of her best friends, and known them for about 2 years.
6th grade went by slowly, but also quickly. She still had been called names inside and outside of school, but she tried to pay no mind, when it was hard. That year, her closest friend reached out to her and was the first person in a long time to accept her. But the girl was never honest to this friend. The girl she known long ago was no longer in the state. She had moved out of state for unclear reasons.
The new friend of hers had gotten so quickly onto the girls depression, but called it "looking sad all the time". The girl said she was alright, lying of course.
Her teachers were her best friends, trying to please them. Of course, she had to move on.
In the present day, that girl's brother torments her more, teasing her on how she has a boyfriend, blackmailing her along with his girlfriend. His girlfriend is always begging for attention from him, teasing the poor girl, reporting on her depression and knife issues.
The girl had always hated the two, her brother tried to burn her to death, and always bullied her. Now it begun again, but this time twice the shit.
She had her best friends online, who she talks to every day. Her two closest friends online are the ones she cant handle herself without talking to them quite a bit. She had developed bad depression and panic distress without talking to them, and from her home environment.
Her brother, his girlfriend, and his mother all smoke. In her face, even. She still has lung issues, not complaining about it at all. She had begun to hurt herself, especially if her closest friends, her "second family", was in distress, or when she thinks about how she lies to everyone but her two closest friends. She even sometimes lies to them about how she's "okay".
Her shoulders bloody and wounded from self-harm, she can't help but think on herself. She lies to her only friend at school. Therapy doesn't work for her, and the only way she esacpes from her hell of a life is by her friends online and the internet. She is thankful to have such good friends and members of her "second family".
I've been thinking, and it's about time to think of the full story. I don't want sympathy, I was thinking about what's been going on lately... Y'know, I actually started thinking my usernames on dA and tumblr fit me well.
But yeah, I've been thinking about life for 2 1/2 hours tonight. I kinda feel better. I might cry a little though.
Please, don't feel sympathy for me!! I don't need it
I'm happy enough with the bestest friends I could ever have these days
they're my real happiness
my only source of it
and I'm alright with that.
They make me happy. And thats all I want. vuv